The directions were perfect, the comedy condo was run down and stunk and just not the best looking accommodations in the business. Three televisions, one remote that worked on the tv that wasn't hooked to cable. Decorated with stuff from a poor grandmothers yard sale. Oh well, I settled in and unpacked. Two and half hours from show time.
Then there is a knock at the door which I assume is the other act and my room mate for the weekend. I open the door to find a frantic young teenager who is asking me if I have a phone that can call long distance. I dial her grandmothers number on my cell and hand it to this distraught young girl who is wearing a psyche ward t-shirt. She then starts crying a collapses on the cement stoop and tells her grandmother that she needs to come and get her. She just broke out a basement window and escaped from the house, her mother had been beating her with a baseball bat.
The girl apparently knows a boy named Josh that lives in one of the other apartments in the building. He isn’t home and she rejects my invite to come out of the cold and sit waiting for her grandma. I tell her okay and that if she changes her mind to just come back.... About thirty minutes later I am getting ready to go get some food, come back and shower for the show... then she knocks again on the door. She was cold, like I told her she would be, and she has hidden from the police in the woods.
She reluctantly comes in and sits in the kitchen, obviously creeped out by the old dude in the knit winter cap and the travel day clothes. I start talking to her and learn that she has a crazy ass family and that she is a smart ass to them and that results in them trying to discipline her. I don’t want to be old guy- but I can’t help feeling that way. Telling her to go home and if the police are there then to tell them what is happening and get some help. She is still worried and desperately wishing that her friend Josh would get home.
We hang out for about twenty minutes and I am getting uncomfortable because there is a runaway in the condo and I have a show to get ready for. Then a car pulls into the lot and she says, “that’s Josh” and bolts from the house... A minute later she is knocking on the door to get back in. It wasn’t him. I look out the door and walking towards us is what is obviously the feature act coming with his stuff.
She had run out to his car as he was getting out thinking it was Josh, when she saw it wasn’t she screams and runs back to the place. Keep in mind that he has never been here either and had just gotten the same shady directions that I had. Then he notices that she runs to the apartment that he has written down as the one he is supposed to go to.
I open the door to let him in. He introduces himself, “Hey man, I am KY the feature this week.”
‘Hey man, I am Tom- this is Ashley, she is a runaway who’s mom was hitting her with a baseball bat.’
So, he is obviously wierded out by this and will probably chime in with a response that tells you where his head was at... but he just said, Okay, this is awkward and went to put his stuff in the room.
I tell him that the police are most likely looking for her and we all sit down in the living room and start talking about the situation. She doesn’t have any bruises, injuries or cuts so her mother either wasn’t hitting her with a bat or she has a swing like an American league pitcher. Ky starts to make some good points about how we are not from here, we are two grown men with a teenager in a strange apartment, the cops are looking for her... this just doesn’t look good. He doesn’t want to be a cold hearted dick- but she has to go.
But before that happens she realizes we are comedians and that is interesting to her. Ky tells her that she can find him on my space and asks her to friend him... Isn’t that hilarious? These young guys in the business are always working hard on expanding their fan base.
So, we send her back out into the cold night. (I got her take a thermal underwear shirt so she wouldn’t freeze)
Two minutes later we hear a car pulling in and walk outside to find her meeting up with Josh’s mom and a young Josh. The mother was actually sort of bitchy to us when we came out, “Can I help you?” Nope... we shut the door and start to put it all behind us.... Ten minutes later or so Ky has to go to his car to get the rest of his stuff and the mom, Josh’s, is outside smoking a cigarette and in obvious distress. I talk to her a little and let her know what has been happening. Ashley’ mom has already called her frantic..bla bla bla... Josh is her brother who she has custody of and doesn’t know what to do with- she caught them a few days ago skipping school and having sex... did I mention she is fourteen?
A few minutes later there are patrol cars on the alley, and it looks like things are back to normal. We are getting ready for the show, I sit my bed to put on my shoes and the frame collapses.... Nice. Are we on some version of comedians Punk’d?
We go to the show. Which then proceeds to be for a crowd of about forty, with the entire front section being senior citizens. Suddenly I didn’t feel quite so old.
