Haiti, Conan, and Aspen

I just finished a great couple weeks of comedy. I got to perform in some nice theaters around the San Francisco area and then I flew to Aspen to do a show with Robert Hawkins and Jarrod Harris at The Wheeler Opera House. What an awesome venue that is.

Immediately upon getting off the plane at the Aspen airport I was struck by how beautiful the place is- snow covered mountains, fresh air, breathtaking views- and you are immersed within them. Probably how it would feel to step off a plane in Tahoe. Unfortunately you have to land in Reno first and take a two hour shuttle.

My cousin John is down in Haiti volunteering to help with the relief effort. If you haven't given to the victims of Haiti by now... you pretty much aren't going to.

Let’s be honest. It couldn't be easier- all we have to do is text message. and I still I haven't done it.

There was the Hope for Haiti benefit show and seemingly non-stop pleas for help on the news. It has been cool to watch the world come together to help. Hundreds of millions of dollars have been donated. So much money was raised that Jerry Lewis released a statement. He says, "America- I knew you fuckers were holding out on me."

Everyone is coming together trying to help. I saw that former Presidents Clinton and George W. joined together to form a place donate at www.clintonandbushhaitifun

d.com If they would just lose that i- I would give generously.

In Haiti the people desperately need food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. Which is exactly what they needed before the earthquake. That place has nothing and produces nothing... not even major league shortstops.

I know it is a terrible tragedy- but it is my job to make fun of it. Just like it is Anderson Cooper’s job to report on it. That is another thing that sort of bugs me. So many news reporters have gone to Haiti to do live reporting. I understand that this helps increase awareness, but does every reporter need to be there? Is it necessary for the local Fox 14 affiliate to send their news reporters live to the scene? At what point are they in the way and slowing down the help?

But the news business cares. HA... What it really recognizes is ratings and how to make money. That is what they are really doing. I don’t think for one minute that CNN, FOX, and the rest would be devoting so much time to this if people weren’t watching and it wasn’t generating nice profits.

A good thing about this earthquake is that the news gives us something to think about other than how bad things are here in this country. You think things are bad here- the housing market in Haiti has collapsed.

Things don’t seem so bad in our real estate market. It is way better to be upside down on your homes’ mortgage than to have your home upside down on you. I feel better that my biggest home worry is building equity- not having to just build in general.

Interesting to me is that there was just a few weeks ago a 6.5 earthquake in California and it did almost no damage. Yet a 7.0 destroys a country. I guess that 50% illiteracy rate prevented many people in Haiti from reading up on building codes.

Meanwhile- back in the paradise of Aspen. I am staying at this kick ass hotel- The Molly Gibson. The Russian girl at the front desk is a delight, the entire staff is over friendly yet not fake. A great place. The city itself is small but filled with great people. The restaurants are very good and eclectic. Only downside being the service. The entire waiting tables industry in Aspen seems to have been trained by the management of Steak and Shake. They could really care less. But the food was awesome.

Also the city of Aspen is probably the most dog friendly place I have ever been. Except for my parents house where they take in every stray and give them the run of the place and their lives. Dogs are free to go in and out of stores- it is just part of the ambiance of the city. Unique and nice.

The Wheeler Opera House is a GREAT venue. The director Gram is a big fan of comedy and brings in great shows. The house was pretty full and the show was a fantastic time- they really took care of us.

Also this week was the finish to the whole Tonight Show fiasco. I watched the final two episodes of Conan as host- which doubled the total number of times I watched since he took over, and four times more than I watched Leno in the years he has done it.

The general consensus seems to be that Conan got screwed. Those last two episodes were great. I was inspired by his attitude of ‘let’s have fun on television.’ and his statement of not embracing cynicism.

Did Conan get screwed? Probably. But if you really look at it- he was one who sort of forced Leno out in the first place. Jay was number one and didn’t want to stop doing his show. He is like Brett Favre, still very good at his craft and he wants to keep playing. Is NBC a shit bag company for doing it this way? Maybe. But it is like they are an NFL franchise who drafts a young phenom like Matt Leinert and puts the old pro on the bench. Then Leinert sucks it up and they are like- “hey, we got Curt Warner on our team, let’s put him back in.”

Is Conan hilarious and done wrong.... I think so- but this is business. If more money can be made by covering people dying in Haiti then by doing stories about Americans losing civil liberties and freedom... of Bankers and the Federal Reserve making billions and billions while the future of the country is enslaved to debt- then that is what they are going to do.

The media companies in this country are not in the business of doing the right thing. They are in the business of dumbing it down, of sensationalizing mediocrity and tragedy and in keeping us ill-informed. Oh shit- is that cynical.... I guess I learned nothing from Conan after all.

Tiger

When I first heard that Tiger Woods had cheated on his hot as shit wife I was like, “Damn Tiger”… then they started showing who the girls were and I was like, “Daaamn Tiger… good for you!”

Now the count is up to like 12 hot women. He has his own calendar. I think it is funny that even the mistresses are pissed that they were be cheated on.

People say they are so disappointed in him that they won’t watch him anymore. Really? I can’t wait to watch him. Will he be that much more focused? Will he be less confident and great? Does not getting pussy make Tiger miss putts?

Really? Cheating on your wife makes you no longer a great golfer? You can’t admire his achievements because he wasn’t faithful? Martin Luther King Jr. cheated on his Coretta Scott a ton- does that mean that the truths of non-violence and racial equality are no longer valid cuz he was hittin strange?

I bet that of all the people he had to convince of the principals of non violence- none was more directly beneficial to King’s health and safety than for his wife to follow them.

I think Tiger Woods will be fine down the road. He is the best ever at getting himself out of a bad lie. (There it is- the punny golf joke.)

Somebody asked me if Tiger was to ask me what to do what advice would I give him. Ummm, just keep doing what you been doing. It seems to be working fine. If lying to your wife and having sex with tons of hot girls contributes to you being the best golfer ever- then keep that shit up.

Women generally think he is a bastard. But let’s be realistic. He is Tiger Woods. He is great looking, a mega superstar, has more money than most of us can even imagine… He is a magnet for women. The hottest women possible. To think that he isn’t going to cheat eventually is just not realistic.

I love my wife very much and have never cheated on her- but there are times on the road where I am horny, alone and masturbating to porn. The porn stars that I am doing that to, are coming up to Tiger and offering them selves five times a day. It is easy to turn down a hook up if it is offered two or three times a year… but five times a day, every day? Come on- let’s be honest, there are women I would fuck ON TOP of my wife. But that option just isn’t a reality. For Tiger it is.

This just goes to show you women. No matter how hot you are- you have to continue to fuck your man like you did when you got him. It doesn’t have to be every day like then- but you gotta bring that five times in two days mentality with ya at least a few times a year. Sorry- that is just how men think and are programmed.

If your man has had to ask for his last ten blow jobs- then he can be lured… it is not just about the sex, it is about the attraction and the energy. Sorry- I don’t make the rules, that is natural selection at work.

Women seem to fail to realize how hot and sexy they are in so many different ways. Men, you have two options if you are going to be married. Cheat on your wife- or learn to embrace masturbation and realize that some stretches the best sex you are going to have is masturbating to sex you used to have.

Abortion billboards

I saw a billboard that read, "Abortion last forever!"

I thought an abortion took like twenty minutes.

Try having a child, that lasts forever.

My sister only worried about the fetus's life for the 3 weeks it took her boyfriend to save the $300. I worry about my sons life almost every day.

Saw another sign that said that abortion stops a beating heart. So do cheeseburgers. Where is that bumper sticker?

Abortion doesn't last forever, cheeseburger in my arteries lasts forever.

Billboards are doing a lot of teaching lately. Black billboards where God has a message- "if you are going to curse, use your own name" -GOD

Pretty good one God. I think we need more voiceless entities that talk to us from billboards. Right after one of the God ones, there can be an all red one that says, "Your doing great! see ya soon." -the devil
"quit crashing on me without paying rent" -your friends couch
"I invented the blow job so I can't be all bad"- Satan

The Chicken has flown the coop

Last week a guy I used to call my friend hung himself. I was of course saddened to hear that had happened, but honestly I was not totally shocked. More shocked then when I heard that Hedberg had overdosed, but less saddened.

I am actually a little irritated. To kill yourself- it is just....well, chicken.

hey, which came first, the chicken, or Quitting?

He leaves behind a wife and children. I never met his kids, but his wife- who I met as his girlfriend- was a sweet person. Any girl who loves a comedian and is there for him and all the selfishness that we possess is unusually angelic in my opinion.

I met him early on in his stand up days. He was the second white guy to do well consistently at the Uptown Comedy Corner in Atlanta, so we heard one another's name very often. We would talk a lot on the phone about comedy and he would call complaining about how comics who couldn't follow him kept having his time cut, not allowing him to do some of his routines- whether it be musical bits, humping crowd members, props, or his closer where he pulled his pants off to reveal a wig-stuffed thong.

Chicken was a crazy, physical comedian who was fearless. He had a talent like few have seen. Lighting up rooms. The guy who would literally do anything for a laugh. He could do anything. Impressions, physical comedy, sing, dance, stage dive, and apparently tie a usable noose.

Why did the Chicken cross the road- to get to the rope.

Not many comedians respected him or liked him. I did. I pitched him to my agent- letting him know that he was doing to crowds something I had never seen before. He was crazy physical, once even broke his own nose on stage while humping a stool.

I remember standing up for him in conversations many times. "He is a selfish asshole who is fake and uses people" they would say. I would point out to them that I talked to him all the time and they just misunderstood. He was a good guy who just wanted to make people laugh and be great. He seems like a solid guy to me I would say.

Over and over I heard that for the first year or two that I knew him. It seemed like not one person had a good thing to say. There came a time down the road another year or so that I came to realize that everybody was right, and I told him so. It was part of our last conversation.

I talked to a few other comedians who knew him a little this week and after the initial shock and obvious sadness at knowing it happened, they all had similar things to say.

like:

"Chicken threw a huge glass of water on me one night when I was walking on stage. I glad that mutha fuckas dead."

Why did he do that?

"Cause he was a Dick. I guess I'm not glad he's dead, But it goes to show Karma is on my side. Throw water on me, live in unbearable emotional pain till you take your own life.LOL"

or:

"I remember a conversation where he was telling me about his sisters boyfriend. Chicken took a thick text book and smashed it against the boyfriends face breaking his nose. I asked what he did to him to make him do that. He said nothin, he just didn't like him. What a sorry fuck!"

and:

"He was just a big shit talker about how every comic sucked."

"To bad about Chicken, huh? KNOT!!!"


Now these are harsh things to say about someone. I will probably catch a bunch of shit for even writing this. But I had many conversations with him in the early days when he was first signing his deal... He told me he wanted to be like Chris Farley, and Belushi... he wanted to be crazy, to party hard and for everyone to know it. I specifically remember letting his manager know that- warning him to realize that this was part of who he was.

Suicide is awful. How low do you have to feel to take your own life? I can see killing yourself slowly through lazy choices and poor health- but all at once? We see it as selfish and weak and devoid of courage... but to actually do it... fuck that takes a certain kind of courage and fearlessness that I just don't possess.

We were talking comedy one time and I was explaining how I admired how he could just do all the crazy shit he did on stage and not care... He had an admiration for guys who wrote jokes. We both saw what the other did as hard. He explained how easy it was to just be fearless. I guess it was too easy.

He was the type of comedian that other comics didn't like. Unless you watched him. My buddy Costaki summed it up pretty good long ago after watching him. "He does everything someone like us hates and would never do on stage... but it is just so likable and fun to watch him do it."

He didn't write jokes- wonder if he wrote a note.

Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I had heard that he was starting to get back into the clubs and work out new material. Maybe he was working on a new musical montage tribute to David Caradine and he slipped off the stool that he was humping

This shit is awful. A guy I once considered a friend has hung himself and I am writing jokes about it. What is wrong with me?

Hey if it makes you feel better Chicken thought that all was fair game for making fun of, as long as you did it on the edge. I wrote this entire thing sitting at the computer in a thong with my mother in laws wig overflowing from the sides. He would have loved it.

sorry
t

Shhshh-shady condo

So I show up at the gig which is a nice comedy venue with good people running it, but something just doesn't feel totally right. The bartender hands me the keys to the comedy condo that I will be sharing with the other act on the show. The directions she gives me are hilarious. "go around the back parking lot to the road, go past the trailer park, when you get to the winnebago take a right- go down to the alley just past the fence and that is the condo."

The directions were perfect, the comedy condo was run down and stunk and just not the best looking accommodations in the business. Three televisions, one remote that worked on the tv that wasn't hooked to cable. Decorated with stuff from a poor grandmothers yard sale. Oh well, I settled in and unpacked. Two and half hours from show time.

Then there is a knock at the door which I assume is the other act and my room mate for the weekend. I open the door to find a frantic young teenager who is asking me if I have a phone that can call long distance. I dial her grandmothers number on my cell and hand it to this distraught young girl who is wearing a psyche ward t-shirt. She then starts crying a collapses on the cement stoop and tells her grandmother that she needs to come and get her. She just broke out a basement window and escaped from the house, her mother had been beating her with a baseball bat.

The girl apparently knows a boy named Josh that lives in one of the other apartments in the building. He isn’t home and she rejects my invite to come out of the cold and sit waiting for her grandma. I tell her okay and that if she changes her mind to just come back.... About thirty minutes later I am getting ready to go get some food, come back and shower for the show... then she knocks again on the door. She was cold, like I told her she would be, and she has hidden from the police in the woods.

She reluctantly comes in and sits in the kitchen, obviously creeped out by the old dude in the knit winter cap and the travel day clothes. I start talking to her and learn that she has a crazy ass family and that she is a smart ass to them and that results in them trying to discipline her. I don’t want to be old guy- but I can’t help feeling that way. Telling her to go home and if the police are there then to tell them what is happening and get some help. She is still worried and desperately wishing that her friend Josh would get home.

We hang out for about twenty minutes and I am getting uncomfortable because there is a runaway in the condo and I have a show to get ready for. Then a car pulls into the lot and she says, “that’s Josh” and bolts from the house... A minute later she is knocking on the door to get back in. It wasn’t him. I look out the door and walking towards us is what is obviously the feature act coming with his stuff.

She had run out to his car as he was getting out thinking it was Josh, when she saw it wasn’t she screams and runs back to the place. Keep in mind that he has never been here either and had just gotten the same shady directions that I had. Then he notices that she runs to the apartment that he has written down as the one he is supposed to go to.

I open the door to let him in. He introduces himself, “Hey man, I am KY the feature this week.”
‘Hey man, I am Tom- this is Ashley, she is a runaway who’s mom was hitting her with a baseball bat.’

So, he is obviously wierded out by this and will probably chime in with a response that tells you where his head was at... but he just said, Okay, this is awkward and went to put his stuff in the room.

I tell him that the police are most likely looking for her and we all sit down in the living room and start talking about the situation. She doesn’t have any bruises, injuries or cuts so her mother either wasn’t hitting her with a bat or she has a swing like an American league pitcher. Ky starts to make some good points about how we are not from here, we are two grown men with a teenager in a strange apartment, the cops are looking for her... this just doesn’t look good. He doesn’t want to be a cold hearted dick- but she has to go.

But before that happens she realizes we are comedians and that is interesting to her. Ky tells her that she can find him on my space and asks her to friend him... Isn’t that hilarious? These young guys in the business are always working hard on expanding their fan base.

So, we send her back out into the cold night. (I got her take a thermal underwear shirt so she wouldn’t freeze)

Two minutes later we hear a car pulling in and walk outside to find her meeting up with Josh’s mom and a young Josh. The mother was actually sort of bitchy to us when we came out, “Can I help you?” Nope... we shut the door and start to put it all behind us.... Ten minutes later or so Ky has to go to his car to get the rest of his stuff and the mom, Josh’s, is outside smoking a cigarette and in obvious distress. I talk to her a little and let her know what has been happening. Ashley’ mom has already called her frantic..bla bla bla... Josh is her brother who she has custody of and doesn’t know what to do with- she caught them a few days ago skipping school and having sex... did I mention she is fourteen?

A few minutes later there are patrol cars on the alley, and it looks like things are back to normal. We are getting ready for the show, I sit my bed to put on my shoes and the frame collapses.... Nice. Are we on some version of comedians Punk’d?

We go to the show. Which then proceeds to be for a crowd of about forty, with the entire front section being senior citizens. Suddenly I didn’t feel quite so old.

LCS Audition

I auditioned for last comic standing. I am one of the first ones to sit. It didn't go well. I figured I would audition this year because I have so many well intentioned family members who even after many many years of me being in this game don't seem to understand what the business is like. (in there defense- neither do I, and I am the one in it.) Anyway, time after time people tell me, "Hey you know what would be good for you? You should get on that show Last Comic Standing- you're funnier then those comics.... Have you ever thought of that?"Wow- no I have never thought of that- what a great idea. I heard Letterman and Leno sometimes have comedians on too. I should really look into that . thanks for the advice.I have figured out how the Republicans can come back from the depths of no hope and win the Presidency.... George Bush should come out in support of the Democratic nominee.Who will ever forget where they were when they heard that Heath Ledger died? I know for sure that I will remember that for at least the next three days.Hey ladies- if your man has had to ASK for his last 10-15 blow jobs then beware that there is a sexual opening for another women.February is Black History Month. A month... isn't that a little excessive? I mean the Earth only gets a day.Black people are greedy. Shouldn't it also be called African American History month? Black is a little racist, and how do I know they are not talking about the color black and it's history? Black is the total absorption of all colors and the absence of light. Why don't some of the other colors get a month... oh sorry Pink gets October along with Breast Cancer.Black is associated with death and mourning... it is recognized to imply humility- (like Terrel Owens and Mohammad Ali) and secrecy.People who wear black generally look thinner, unless it is Lavelle Crawford- then he just looks like an alley when he stands in front of a white building.Priests wear black to signify submission to God.I used to black out a lot when I drank. Never is the history of things you did during a blackout positive stories that you missed. It is always something like- "really I pissed on that cops leg?" Never are people reminding you of positive things..."You don't remember what happened last night? wow, I have never seen you so drunk.. you were at the old folks home helping out for like three hours. I didn't even know you could play chess..... we had to talk you out of the joining the Peace Corp right before you passed out."I am just saying... to just say black history is not specific enough.On that note- It is kind of shitty to be white nowadays. Used to be white people had a few things that were exclusively for us... like the Presidency, NFL quarterback... now all we have left is country music, Nascar, hockey and the Republican party... I hate all of those. It sucks to be white.I can't wait for February to end. One because it is the coldest month- and two March 2nd is Dr. Seuss day. That guy was great! Way ahead of his time. Just read The Lorax and you will see what I mean. I have been reading my three year old son Owen Dr. Seuss books since he was born. That guy has done more for my little white boy then Dr King ever did.I like to plant little comedy bombs in my son to go off at unexpected times in life. He just turned three and in anticipation of the ridiculous questions older people ask I taught him this one for when people ask him, "so you are three? what are you going to be when you grow up."He cutely looks up and says, "Axe murderer."Hilarious. to me and Serena. to the rest of the family not so much. But think about it. Axe murderer is retro. no one is doing that anymore. You have to really be committed to be an axe murderer. that is Lizzy Borden shit. --I want to be more fully aware at all times so I got myself a seeing eye dog for my blind spot. It just hangs out perched on my optic nerve.-Diamonds are a girls best friend. Unless she is surrounded by desperate crack heads... then it is just the sparkling beacon of her blood curdling death.a diamond can't be a girls best friend, female relationships only last a year or two max- the materialistic mentality of a gold digger lasts a lifetime.Man's best friend is a dog. you know why? Cuz it doesn't ask us for diamonds.--Money can't buy you love.... but sometimes you just want a blow job from a hooker.... then it works great!-Don't cry over spilled milk. Unless it is all you have left to keep your baby alive.--I have a rabbits foot for good luck, and a pet three-legged bunny that can't hop.--I wish that I hadn't let myself get talked out of what I wanted to do for the LCS audition. I wanted to just do the how republicans can win the presidency joke and then a quick line about how I love that Obama is bringing the half hug to presidential politics and then this joke.The thing I hate most about the election is this. The negative campaign ads. First of all Political advertising is the only form of advertising that is not beholden to the truth in advertising laws- and they take advantage of it.... running nothing but negative ads against the opponents. Hey, you are applying for the job of leader of the free world... tell me what you are going to do, don't just talk shit about the other candidates. I can't do that at my job..."Hey Tom, what makes you the most qualified to be on Last comic Standing?""well I don't want to go into that right now, but Pat Dixon in the lobby picks his nose... Ted Alexandro gets drunk between shows and slurs his jokes, he went over 40 percent of the time at his last gig... and Gaffigan didn't wash his hands before he came out of the bathroom... so if you want one of those guys to represent NBC then go right ahead...."That would have at least been fun to do instead of freezing up and not being able to remember jokes I tell every single night... It really went as bad as it could have gone... two judges staring at me and not laughing at jokes I know for sure are funny... I lost my composure.Thank god the blooper real will be filled with the crazies who don't understand stand up at all.... thank god for the guy in the chicken suit.

Clinton, mormons and gas prices

I just worked Houston and had a great time. Before that at the Cleveland Improv and Morty's in Indy... Comedy is fun. Have worked with some great guys and some funny comedians. Houston is different this time. To say that over the years that Houston is pro Bush is a lot of an understatement. The airport is named after Bush. But this time even Houston was angry with him. I had a waitress just going off on him for as long as I would listen... His approval is so low that even at the airport only thirty percent of the planes will land.I know a guy who was listening to the Darwin Awards book on tape- and then it slipped into the bathtub.The reason I don't think Obama is a visionary revolutionary is because.. One, he isn't saying anything like that... and he isn't dead.The problem in this Democratic primary is that Hillary Clinton hasn't been able to have her voice heard and to make her case for deserving the nomination. I am of course being sarcastic. While I admire her desire and her fight and her never give up attitude... She has lost. It is like if when the Houston Rockets got eliminated by the Jazz- they just kept getting ready for the Lakers."We're watching film and game planning for Kobe."They show up at the forum... Just in case something happens and the Utah Jazz all die in a plane crash- they can be ready. Maybe some Mormon preacher will say some crazy shit and then the Rockets can get some super delegates to sneak them into the conference championship.Speaking of crazy Mormons. The Cult in Texas. Interestingly I recently just read a book about Mormonism and the fundamentalists by the Into the Wild author Jon Kraukauer. The book is Under the Banner of Heaven. Some of the names like Warren Jeff's and others from this group are mentioned and discussed in the book.This whole freedom of religion thing we have in America means we have to put up some out there wacky shit. There are a lot of these fundamentalist Mormon cults and towns, and the way they treat women and children is scary. They also believe they are prophets so the leaders speak for God.One of the reasons that these men rationalize and teach that it is okay to have sex with thirteen year olds is that is how old the Virgin Mary was when she became pregnant. So- in the Mormon religion they see God as a pedophile...?Cut to 1 B.C. Man walks into barn as a girl ducks out saying, "Just sit down I will be right out"Out walks Chris HansonWhat ya doing here GOD?I was, ah umm meeting a friend.Really? Do you think it is appropriate to bring frankincense and mirth to a 13yr old girl?I don't know, I wasn't gonna do anything,... I ah,Well, according to this on-line transcript of your conversation and this sacred scroll... you were in fact 'looking' for a virgin to carry your seed?...Look! I wasn't going to have sex with her. I was going to impregnate her.Okay... this is where good writing will come in later and this will get fixed and have an ending, but you get the jest.Filling my car up with gas is like playing poker. Cuz I have to go all-in. I then hope the credit card company doesn't call my bluff.Just wanted to get a few ideas out of the notebook and see what can develop.