When I first heard that Tiger Woods had cheated on his hot as shit wife I was like, “Damn Tiger”… then they started showing who the girls were and I was like, “Daaamn Tiger… good for you!”
Now the count is up to like 12 hot women. He has his own calendar. I think it is funny that even the mistresses are pissed that they were be cheated on.
People say they are so disappointed in him that they won’t watch him anymore. Really? I can’t wait to watch him. Will he be that much more focused? Will he be less confident and great? Does not getting pussy make Tiger miss putts?
Really? Cheating on your wife makes you no longer a great golfer? You can’t admire his achievements because he wasn’t faithful? Martin Luther King Jr. cheated on his Coretta Scott a ton- does that mean that the truths of non-violence and racial equality are no longer valid cuz he was hittin strange?
I bet that of all the people he had to convince of the principals of non violence- none was more directly beneficial to King’s health and safety than for his wife to follow them.
I think Tiger Woods will be fine down the road. He is the best ever at getting himself out of a bad lie. (There it is- the punny golf joke.)
Somebody asked me if Tiger was to ask me what to do what advice would I give him. Ummm, just keep doing what you been doing. It seems to be working fine. If lying to your wife and having sex with tons of hot girls contributes to you being the best golfer ever- then keep that shit up.
Women generally think he is a bastard. But let’s be realistic. He is Tiger Woods. He is great looking, a mega superstar, has more money than most of us can even imagine… He is a magnet for women. The hottest women possible. To think that he isn’t going to cheat eventually is just not realistic.
I love my wife very much and have never cheated on her- but there are times on the road where I am horny, alone and masturbating to porn. The porn stars that I am doing that to, are coming up to Tiger and offering them selves five times a day. It is easy to turn down a hook up if it is offered two or three times a year… but five times a day, every day? Come on- let’s be honest, there are women I would fuck ON TOP of my wife. But that option just isn’t a reality. For Tiger it is.
This just goes to show you women. No matter how hot you are- you have to continue to fuck your man like you did when you got him. It doesn’t have to be every day like then- but you gotta bring that five times in two days mentality with ya at least a few times a year. Sorry- that is just how men think and are programmed.
If your man has had to ask for his last ten blow jobs- then he can be lured… it is not just about the sex, it is about the attraction and the energy. Sorry- I don’t make the rules, that is natural selection at work.
Women seem to fail to realize how hot and sexy they are in so many different ways. Men, you have two options if you are going to be married. Cheat on your wife- or learn to embrace masturbation and realize that some stretches the best sex you are going to have is masturbating to sex you used to have.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Abortion billboards
I saw a billboard that read, "Abortion last forever!"
I thought an abortion took like twenty minutes.
Try having a child, that lasts forever.
My sister only worried about the fetus's life for the 3 weeks it took her boyfriend to save the $300. I worry about my sons life almost every day.
Saw another sign that said that abortion stops a beating heart. So do cheeseburgers. Where is that bumper sticker?
Abortion doesn't last forever, cheeseburger in my arteries lasts forever.
Billboards are doing a lot of teaching lately. Black billboards where God has a message- "if you are going to curse, use your own name" -GOD
Pretty good one God. I think we need more voiceless entities that talk to us from billboards. Right after one of the God ones, there can be an all red one that says, "Your doing great! see ya soon." -the devil
"quit crashing on me without paying rent" -your friends couch
"I invented the blow job so I can't be all bad"- Satan
I thought an abortion took like twenty minutes.
Try having a child, that lasts forever.
My sister only worried about the fetus's life for the 3 weeks it took her boyfriend to save the $300. I worry about my sons life almost every day.
Saw another sign that said that abortion stops a beating heart. So do cheeseburgers. Where is that bumper sticker?
Abortion doesn't last forever, cheeseburger in my arteries lasts forever.
Billboards are doing a lot of teaching lately. Black billboards where God has a message- "if you are going to curse, use your own name" -GOD
Pretty good one God. I think we need more voiceless entities that talk to us from billboards. Right after one of the God ones, there can be an all red one that says, "Your doing great! see ya soon." -the devil
"quit crashing on me without paying rent" -your friends couch
"I invented the blow job so I can't be all bad"- Satan
The Chicken has flown the coop
Last week a guy I used to call my friend hung himself. I was of course saddened to hear that had happened, but honestly I was not totally shocked. More shocked then when I heard that Hedberg had overdosed, but less saddened.
I am actually a little irritated. To kill yourself- it is just....well, chicken.
hey, which came first, the chicken, or Quitting?
He leaves behind a wife and children. I never met his kids, but his wife- who I met as his girlfriend- was a sweet person. Any girl who loves a comedian and is there for him and all the selfishness that we possess is unusually angelic in my opinion.
I met him early on in his stand up days. He was the second white guy to do well consistently at the Uptown Comedy Corner in Atlanta, so we heard one another's name very often. We would talk a lot on the phone about comedy and he would call complaining about how comics who couldn't follow him kept having his time cut, not allowing him to do some of his routines- whether it be musical bits, humping crowd members, props, or his closer where he pulled his pants off to reveal a wig-stuffed thong.
Chicken was a crazy, physical comedian who was fearless. He had a talent like few have seen. Lighting up rooms. The guy who would literally do anything for a laugh. He could do anything. Impressions, physical comedy, sing, dance, stage dive, and apparently tie a usable noose.
Why did the Chicken cross the road- to get to the rope.
Not many comedians respected him or liked him. I did. I pitched him to my agent- letting him know that he was doing to crowds something I had never seen before. He was crazy physical, once even broke his own nose on stage while humping a stool.
I remember standing up for him in conversations many times. "He is a selfish asshole who is fake and uses people" they would say. I would point out to them that I talked to him all the time and they just misunderstood. He was a good guy who just wanted to make people laugh and be great. He seems like a solid guy to me I would say.
Over and over I heard that for the first year or two that I knew him. It seemed like not one person had a good thing to say. There came a time down the road another year or so that I came to realize that everybody was right, and I told him so. It was part of our last conversation.
I talked to a few other comedians who knew him a little this week and after the initial shock and obvious sadness at knowing it happened, they all had similar things to say.
like:
"Chicken threw a huge glass of water on me one night when I was walking on stage. I glad that mutha fuckas dead."
Why did he do that?
"Cause he was a Dick. I guess I'm not glad he's dead, But it goes to show Karma is on my side. Throw water on me, live in unbearable emotional pain till you take your own life.LOL"
or:
"I remember a conversation where he was telling me about his sisters boyfriend. Chicken took a thick text book and smashed it against the boyfriends face breaking his nose. I asked what he did to him to make him do that. He said nothin, he just didn't like him. What a sorry fuck!"
and:
"He was just a big shit talker about how every comic sucked."
"To bad about Chicken, huh? KNOT!!!"
Now these are harsh things to say about someone. I will probably catch a bunch of shit for even writing this. But I had many conversations with him in the early days when he was first signing his deal... He told me he wanted to be like Chris Farley, and Belushi... he wanted to be crazy, to party hard and for everyone to know it. I specifically remember letting his manager know that- warning him to realize that this was part of who he was.
Suicide is awful. How low do you have to feel to take your own life? I can see killing yourself slowly through lazy choices and poor health- but all at once? We see it as selfish and weak and devoid of courage... but to actually do it... fuck that takes a certain kind of courage and fearlessness that I just don't possess.
We were talking comedy one time and I was explaining how I admired how he could just do all the crazy shit he did on stage and not care... He had an admiration for guys who wrote jokes. We both saw what the other did as hard. He explained how easy it was to just be fearless. I guess it was too easy.
He was the type of comedian that other comics didn't like. Unless you watched him. My buddy Costaki summed it up pretty good long ago after watching him. "He does everything someone like us hates and would never do on stage... but it is just so likable and fun to watch him do it."
He didn't write jokes- wonder if he wrote a note.
Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I had heard that he was starting to get back into the clubs and work out new material. Maybe he was working on a new musical montage tribute to David Caradine and he slipped off the stool that he was humping
This shit is awful. A guy I once considered a friend has hung himself and I am writing jokes about it. What is wrong with me?
Hey if it makes you feel better Chicken thought that all was fair game for making fun of, as long as you did it on the edge. I wrote this entire thing sitting at the computer in a thong with my mother in laws wig overflowing from the sides. He would have loved it.
sorry
t
I am actually a little irritated. To kill yourself- it is just....well, chicken.
hey, which came first, the chicken, or Quitting?
He leaves behind a wife and children. I never met his kids, but his wife- who I met as his girlfriend- was a sweet person. Any girl who loves a comedian and is there for him and all the selfishness that we possess is unusually angelic in my opinion.
I met him early on in his stand up days. He was the second white guy to do well consistently at the Uptown Comedy Corner in Atlanta, so we heard one another's name very often. We would talk a lot on the phone about comedy and he would call complaining about how comics who couldn't follow him kept having his time cut, not allowing him to do some of his routines- whether it be musical bits, humping crowd members, props, or his closer where he pulled his pants off to reveal a wig-stuffed thong.
Chicken was a crazy, physical comedian who was fearless. He had a talent like few have seen. Lighting up rooms. The guy who would literally do anything for a laugh. He could do anything. Impressions, physical comedy, sing, dance, stage dive, and apparently tie a usable noose.
Why did the Chicken cross the road- to get to the rope.
Not many comedians respected him or liked him. I did. I pitched him to my agent- letting him know that he was doing to crowds something I had never seen before. He was crazy physical, once even broke his own nose on stage while humping a stool.
I remember standing up for him in conversations many times. "He is a selfish asshole who is fake and uses people" they would say. I would point out to them that I talked to him all the time and they just misunderstood. He was a good guy who just wanted to make people laugh and be great. He seems like a solid guy to me I would say.
Over and over I heard that for the first year or two that I knew him. It seemed like not one person had a good thing to say. There came a time down the road another year or so that I came to realize that everybody was right, and I told him so. It was part of our last conversation.
I talked to a few other comedians who knew him a little this week and after the initial shock and obvious sadness at knowing it happened, they all had similar things to say.
like:
"Chicken threw a huge glass of water on me one night when I was walking on stage. I glad that mutha fuckas dead."
Why did he do that?
"Cause he was a Dick. I guess I'm not glad he's dead, But it goes to show Karma is on my side. Throw water on me, live in unbearable emotional pain till you take your own life.LOL"
or:
"I remember a conversation where he was telling me about his sisters boyfriend. Chicken took a thick text book and smashed it against the boyfriends face breaking his nose. I asked what he did to him to make him do that. He said nothin, he just didn't like him. What a sorry fuck!"
and:
"He was just a big shit talker about how every comic sucked."
"To bad about Chicken, huh? KNOT!!!"
Now these are harsh things to say about someone. I will probably catch a bunch of shit for even writing this. But I had many conversations with him in the early days when he was first signing his deal... He told me he wanted to be like Chris Farley, and Belushi... he wanted to be crazy, to party hard and for everyone to know it. I specifically remember letting his manager know that- warning him to realize that this was part of who he was.
Suicide is awful. How low do you have to feel to take your own life? I can see killing yourself slowly through lazy choices and poor health- but all at once? We see it as selfish and weak and devoid of courage... but to actually do it... fuck that takes a certain kind of courage and fearlessness that I just don't possess.
We were talking comedy one time and I was explaining how I admired how he could just do all the crazy shit he did on stage and not care... He had an admiration for guys who wrote jokes. We both saw what the other did as hard. He explained how easy it was to just be fearless. I guess it was too easy.
He was the type of comedian that other comics didn't like. Unless you watched him. My buddy Costaki summed it up pretty good long ago after watching him. "He does everything someone like us hates and would never do on stage... but it is just so likable and fun to watch him do it."
He didn't write jokes- wonder if he wrote a note.
Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I had heard that he was starting to get back into the clubs and work out new material. Maybe he was working on a new musical montage tribute to David Caradine and he slipped off the stool that he was humping
This shit is awful. A guy I once considered a friend has hung himself and I am writing jokes about it. What is wrong with me?
Hey if it makes you feel better Chicken thought that all was fair game for making fun of, as long as you did it on the edge. I wrote this entire thing sitting at the computer in a thong with my mother in laws wig overflowing from the sides. He would have loved it.
sorry
t
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