LCS Audition

I auditioned for last comic standing. I am one of the first ones to sit. It didn't go well. I figured I would audition this year because I have so many well intentioned family members who even after many many years of me being in this game don't seem to understand what the business is like. (in there defense- neither do I, and I am the one in it.) Anyway, time after time people tell me, "Hey you know what would be good for you? You should get on that show Last Comic Standing- you're funnier then those comics.... Have you ever thought of that?"Wow- no I have never thought of that- what a great idea. I heard Letterman and Leno sometimes have comedians on too. I should really look into that . thanks for the advice.I have figured out how the Republicans can come back from the depths of no hope and win the Presidency.... George Bush should come out in support of the Democratic nominee.Who will ever forget where they were when they heard that Heath Ledger died? I know for sure that I will remember that for at least the next three days.Hey ladies- if your man has had to ASK for his last 10-15 blow jobs then beware that there is a sexual opening for another women.February is Black History Month. A month... isn't that a little excessive? I mean the Earth only gets a day.Black people are greedy. Shouldn't it also be called African American History month? Black is a little racist, and how do I know they are not talking about the color black and it's history? Black is the total absorption of all colors and the absence of light. Why don't some of the other colors get a month... oh sorry Pink gets October along with Breast Cancer.Black is associated with death and mourning... it is recognized to imply humility- (like Terrel Owens and Mohammad Ali) and secrecy.People who wear black generally look thinner, unless it is Lavelle Crawford- then he just looks like an alley when he stands in front of a white building.Priests wear black to signify submission to God.I used to black out a lot when I drank. Never is the history of things you did during a blackout positive stories that you missed. It is always something like- "really I pissed on that cops leg?" Never are people reminding you of positive things..."You don't remember what happened last night? wow, I have never seen you so drunk.. you were at the old folks home helping out for like three hours. I didn't even know you could play chess..... we had to talk you out of the joining the Peace Corp right before you passed out."I am just saying... to just say black history is not specific enough.On that note- It is kind of shitty to be white nowadays. Used to be white people had a few things that were exclusively for us... like the Presidency, NFL quarterback... now all we have left is country music, Nascar, hockey and the Republican party... I hate all of those. It sucks to be white.I can't wait for February to end. One because it is the coldest month- and two March 2nd is Dr. Seuss day. That guy was great! Way ahead of his time. Just read The Lorax and you will see what I mean. I have been reading my three year old son Owen Dr. Seuss books since he was born. That guy has done more for my little white boy then Dr King ever did.I like to plant little comedy bombs in my son to go off at unexpected times in life. He just turned three and in anticipation of the ridiculous questions older people ask I taught him this one for when people ask him, "so you are three? what are you going to be when you grow up."He cutely looks up and says, "Axe murderer."Hilarious. to me and Serena. to the rest of the family not so much. But think about it. Axe murderer is retro. no one is doing that anymore. You have to really be committed to be an axe murderer. that is Lizzy Borden shit. --I want to be more fully aware at all times so I got myself a seeing eye dog for my blind spot. It just hangs out perched on my optic nerve.-Diamonds are a girls best friend. Unless she is surrounded by desperate crack heads... then it is just the sparkling beacon of her blood curdling death.a diamond can't be a girls best friend, female relationships only last a year or two max- the materialistic mentality of a gold digger lasts a lifetime.Man's best friend is a dog. you know why? Cuz it doesn't ask us for diamonds.--Money can't buy you love.... but sometimes you just want a blow job from a hooker.... then it works great!-Don't cry over spilled milk. Unless it is all you have left to keep your baby alive.--I have a rabbits foot for good luck, and a pet three-legged bunny that can't hop.--I wish that I hadn't let myself get talked out of what I wanted to do for the LCS audition. I wanted to just do the how republicans can win the presidency joke and then a quick line about how I love that Obama is bringing the half hug to presidential politics and then this joke.The thing I hate most about the election is this. The negative campaign ads. First of all Political advertising is the only form of advertising that is not beholden to the truth in advertising laws- and they take advantage of it.... running nothing but negative ads against the opponents. Hey, you are applying for the job of leader of the free world... tell me what you are going to do, don't just talk shit about the other candidates. I can't do that at my job..."Hey Tom, what makes you the most qualified to be on Last comic Standing?""well I don't want to go into that right now, but Pat Dixon in the lobby picks his nose... Ted Alexandro gets drunk between shows and slurs his jokes, he went over 40 percent of the time at his last gig... and Gaffigan didn't wash his hands before he came out of the bathroom... so if you want one of those guys to represent NBC then go right ahead...."That would have at least been fun to do instead of freezing up and not being able to remember jokes I tell every single night... It really went as bad as it could have gone... two judges staring at me and not laughing at jokes I know for sure are funny... I lost my composure.Thank god the blooper real will be filled with the crazies who don't understand stand up at all.... thank god for the guy in the chicken suit.

Clinton, mormons and gas prices

I just worked Houston and had a great time. Before that at the Cleveland Improv and Morty's in Indy... Comedy is fun. Have worked with some great guys and some funny comedians. Houston is different this time. To say that over the years that Houston is pro Bush is a lot of an understatement. The airport is named after Bush. But this time even Houston was angry with him. I had a waitress just going off on him for as long as I would listen... His approval is so low that even at the airport only thirty percent of the planes will land.I know a guy who was listening to the Darwin Awards book on tape- and then it slipped into the bathtub.The reason I don't think Obama is a visionary revolutionary is because.. One, he isn't saying anything like that... and he isn't dead.The problem in this Democratic primary is that Hillary Clinton hasn't been able to have her voice heard and to make her case for deserving the nomination. I am of course being sarcastic. While I admire her desire and her fight and her never give up attitude... She has lost. It is like if when the Houston Rockets got eliminated by the Jazz- they just kept getting ready for the Lakers."We're watching film and game planning for Kobe."They show up at the forum... Just in case something happens and the Utah Jazz all die in a plane crash- they can be ready. Maybe some Mormon preacher will say some crazy shit and then the Rockets can get some super delegates to sneak them into the conference championship.Speaking of crazy Mormons. The Cult in Texas. Interestingly I recently just read a book about Mormonism and the fundamentalists by the Into the Wild author Jon Kraukauer. The book is Under the Banner of Heaven. Some of the names like Warren Jeff's and others from this group are mentioned and discussed in the book.This whole freedom of religion thing we have in America means we have to put up some out there wacky shit. There are a lot of these fundamentalist Mormon cults and towns, and the way they treat women and children is scary. They also believe they are prophets so the leaders speak for God.One of the reasons that these men rationalize and teach that it is okay to have sex with thirteen year olds is that is how old the Virgin Mary was when she became pregnant. So- in the Mormon religion they see God as a pedophile...?Cut to 1 B.C. Man walks into barn as a girl ducks out saying, "Just sit down I will be right out"Out walks Chris HansonWhat ya doing here GOD?I was, ah umm meeting a friend.Really? Do you think it is appropriate to bring frankincense and mirth to a 13yr old girl?I don't know, I wasn't gonna do anything,... I ah,Well, according to this on-line transcript of your conversation and this sacred scroll... you were in fact 'looking' for a virgin to carry your seed?...Look! I wasn't going to have sex with her. I was going to impregnate her.Okay... this is where good writing will come in later and this will get fixed and have an ending, but you get the jest.Filling my car up with gas is like playing poker. Cuz I have to go all-in. I then hope the credit card company doesn't call my bluff.Just wanted to get a few ideas out of the notebook and see what can develop.

Is income tax legal?

watch this video and tell me what you think.it is an eleven part video/documentary you can watch for free on youtube.AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM (PART 1).

If you are an American, it is the most important film you will ever watch.
makes me want to vote for a guy like Ron Paul.

Mall shooters and MTV

It has been pointed out to me that the last few blogs have been pretty weak. I am not a blogger. I write a bunch of stuff in notebooks and on note cards and napkins... then I try to find the comedy within it. Most of the stuff I write never makes it to the stage, well that is not true- I end up trying a lot of it- most of it doesn't make the act is more honest. In other words I find out it isn't funny or developed fairly quickly. What I do here is pour ideas out and hope something sticks or one of you gives me a tag or a direction that creates more writing.So it isn't me that has sucked it lately- but you.Just in case you care- the girl with extra limbs bit ended up becoming a very funny little routine. Got some more writing and a few tags from friends and now it is in the show and growing. I was in Cincinnati at Go Bananas comedy club last weekend. That club is one of my favorite places to perform...period. I didn't do much but hang with comedians and staff. I did go to the mall and saw No Country for Old Men. The movie was great. It ended with no punch line, which I appreciated even more having just read Steve Martin's book. I was overwhelmed with how packed the mall is with shoppers. More then once I thought, "Wow- how did he only get eight people."A kid went nuts and shot eight people at the a mall in Omaha. I know they say that tragedy plus time equals funny. But why wait? With today's news cycle it isn't even really a story any more. Every two weeks it seems someone goes crazy, shoots a bunch of people then shoots himself... and when they do the last part a part of me actually gets a little excited because now my joke is new again. (Why don't they just start with shooting themselves?... we need a suicide talk them into it hotline, where they can call in first....)The guys name who shot everyone was Robert Hawkins. I know a guy with that name- when I first saw the story I had a few moments of wondering if it was him. There is a Funny Bone in Omaha- maybe he had a couple bad sets. Then he was walking around the mall where he spied Ant and Alonzo Boden. Hawkins is one of the best comics out there period and most of you have no idea who Hawkins is and that is why I thought it could have been him.You know- when I was a teenager the most selfish thing you could do was commit suicide. Thinking of noone else in your family and being at the peak of self-pity and selfishness- you killed yourself. Now this generation of kids are raising selfishness to the next level. Killing innocent people- then themselves... Selfishness has come as far as video games.... (for a list of games we had as kids vs games the kids today have- see the comedy of Basile or my friend Sneed)Hawkins left a suicide note that said he wanted to be famous. Well... ummm.... you are dead dumbass. You are semi famous for your fifteen minutes and just your luck- you are too dead to bask in it. You are not even famous in Hell. Walking through the door to hell bragging... "hey, check yourself chump. You are not famous in hell. Eight people? That is all you got? I got more then that in Luby's cafeteria and I had to reload. Eight people? there was three times that many in the line at Starbucks alone."I got more than that from a clock tower in Texas... When I was a kid we didn't have easily accessible automatic weapons.Hey, if you want to be famous and kill a bunch of people in the process- do it in a way that we can get behind you and root for you on. Take out a bunch of people at MTV's Sweet 16 Bash. Bring your M16 to the Sweet 16 and take out some of those spoiled-ass bitches and their fathers who buy them this stuff.The news wastes no time getting the killers name and friends and pictures plastered all over the media. I guess we as viewers sort of want that... but I also want to see the streaking girl running on the field at the football game- but pro sports coverage has a uniform rule of not showing any of the wackos that run on the field, because they don't want to encourage more fanatics. Why don't we try this with suicide shooters?I actually caught a little of the end of the MTV Sweet 16 show- some musician is on stage and announcing that here comes the present... cut to partiers... "this birthday party was off the hook..... The present is a zorse. What is a zorse? it is half zebra- half horse." Cut to spoiled little rich girl surrounded by friends. "I've always wanted a zorse!"Really?! you have always wanted a zorse? I have never even heard of a zorse, didn't even know they existed- not to mention even wanting one was an option in life. I can't believe your muddleheaded dad has so much money he can cross-breed species for your birthday. That thing should never have been created.and by thing I mean the girl who wants a zorse.I have always wanted a turgeon. A turgeon, what is that? It is a cross between a turtle and a pigeon. make it happen daddy it is my sweet 16.I, on the other hand, have always wanted to be hung like a zorse... Folks!!! not big like that, but all stripped. Which would make it look thicker.Rich people always bitch about how they have to pay too much in taxes... "I can't afford to give back to the culture that made me filthy rich... I need that money to buy my daughter a $200,000 birthday party and a Zorse." Those families on Sweet 16 are a combination of something.... CLue and Less.A zorse? That is what the gentiles call it, at a bar mitzvah it is called a Hebra. Imagine dating one of those girls as they grow up... what a fucking nightmare. When she grows up and becomes a high maintenance pain in the ass, unappeasable divorcee.... all you need to do is look back at her upbringing and her give her everything she wants daddy and you will know the zource of her issues.Back to the mall shooting... what the hell was mall security doing? Maybe the salvation army should put down the bells and start playing fracking army.merry Christmas.

t

Why We Fight

Last night I was watching the DVD- Why We Fight...Serena came in for the last third and watched it with me. I bought the movie a month or two ago and she told me that she had no desire to watch it cuz it would just make her mad.It is a very good movie. I found myself laughing and cringing while I watched. I saw the administration and the President in a strange way. Funny- for the first four years of his Presidency I was mad at him and his cabinet. Now I am indifferent. It comes from a disappointment in the people of this country. You all knew he was a liar... that he was a terrible leader who had turned the world against us... (the scene that sticks out to me was the million people who took to the streets of Tehran, Iran on Sept 12 in support of the people of the United States).... Everybody knew all of this and still re-elected him proudly.It is weird how proud I am that I was right. That when Bush's approval rating was at 90%, some of my friends and I were in that lonely ten percent.Now nobody wants to talk to about it. Obama represents the other side of this recent history. It is a new guy who we think we can trust... that is gonna do right and make us proud. He is our apology to the world. He is white America saying, "we don't' trust Whitey no more."Barak is an awesome politician. And while I am making fun of him please don't be making it all racial. First of all, I am making fun of the white half- so that isn't racist. Barak Obama is Bi-racial / multi racial. He is the future. Someone who can golf and dance.He's the next step on the evolutionary chart. A hybrid. Like Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, Lenny Kravitz, and Colin Powell.I love it, I am part Irish, part Lebanese, part other stuff.I think this multi racial future is the way to go. Barak will also end that whole worry the generation before mine had with Bi-racial children, "What are the other kids gonna say to him in school?"They are going to say- 'hey, aren't you the President?'Barak is your typical politician shaking hands, signing autographs and kissing baby's mama's....... Folks!!! you see, cuz he's.... Folks.He also does that make outlandish promises that he can't possibly keep thing.I am old enough that I could have been anything I could dream of in life- a professional athlete, a lawyer, scientist.... President. WHAT HAPPENED!My friend, the very funny Bobbie Oliver, has a premise we were talking about- there is a story out of Kenya that along with all the atrocities there has also been a problem of people hate texting. Hate texting? How do you text "dllnnuu gguulnk chickapee" ...hatefully?I think the wall that is being built on the Mexican border should be done as financially responsible as possible and out of as much recycled material as we can. We should start by using pieces of the Berlin wall.Oh the irony. One- we know it works, and two- not as many Mexicans want to sneak into Germany.Thomas Edison had to fail a thousand times before he succeeded. It takes a lot of failure to be a success. Do you know what else it also takes a lot of failure to be? A failure.What if I was supposed to realize I am failure at the fifteen hundred mark.How would you like to have been Edison's girlfriend, or a woman who told him she wasn't interested. I wasn't stalking her your honor, There is actual scientific proof that to succeed you sometimes need to fail one thousand times.Serena is voting for Ron Paul or not at all.She watched the rest of the movie... then looked across the couch and said, "I can't believe you are not talking about this any more in your act. How did you just stop talking about that shit? No one who is great and someone you admire in comedy or life would have just stopped talking about it."She is right. But damn, my friend John Bizarre is just saying fuck it and moving out of the country. Sometimes you get tired of banging your head against a wall. I like Sports Center and Seinfeld reruns too much for that. She is right though. Hopefully I will figure out a way to be funny about Peace, about the corporate war machine and the destructive power of a foreign policy run by greed and force for the last fifty plus years.Or I can talk about how uncomfortable being around other people makes me, and how I deal with pain, sorrow, fear and being uncomfortable through humor.... how I like to diffuse pain in my life with jokes and laughter. My mother told me that she was worried about the fact that Obama went to some Islamic fundamentalist school as a child and she is worried because his father might have been a radical Muslim. Um mom... first of all the school wasn't that? and, you are a radical Christian. So you are the more present danger.Obama's main competition after Clinton is John McCain.Obama is optimistic, hopeful, futuristic, charismatic... McCain is against torture. He spent four years as a POW being tortured. Imagine the impact on him this experience has had. He is adamant that our country should not use torture against our enemies. He has stood up against this administration as it has ignored the international laws and bent the lines to fit their own desires. He has stressed that torturing our enemies makes us all less safe, that it is wrong and unnecessary. I disagree with John McCain and agree with the Bush administration.I get a lot of flack from my liberal friends but I am Pro Torture. I believe that it can work to create great human beings of sound character and judgement. Torture works. Look for instance at John McCain. He is who he is, in part, because of what he went through as a prisoner. Would he be the same respected man he is- making the same difference?John McCain is ironically this country's worst anti-torture advocate.That torture is even a debate is hilarious to me. Really? Really? Why do people even need to speak out against torture? We haven't reached a point yet as Americans that we can't agree that torture is wrong..? holy shit... we got some work to do before we decide it is in the world's best interest for us to be running things and making the choices about ethic for mankind.it is laughable.The one kink I have come across in Obama's armor is the fact that he is a smoker who can't seem to quit. Two people I know have made it a point that they can't vote for him because of that. A flaw in his character that points to some greater weakness that disqualifies him to them.... seems ridiculous until you think...If Vladimir Putin and his gang of mafia thugs that are running Russia grab our next President during a visit to Moscow... who do you want sitting in the interrogation room? The guy who has been through four years of brutal torture and imprisonment, or the guy who might give up National secrets for a Marlboro.Funny if the reason Obama is winning is because he traded in Camel miles for votes.

Do You Think This Was a Wierd Dream?

It was very, very scary. Sesame Street was just like real life. There was a riot. Apparently, there was a lot of racial tension because the characters had different colored fur. You see a cop was arresting Grover for vagrancy and beat him up pretty bad. It's just another ex- ample of "the man" keeping a puppet down.
Anyway, Cookie Monster and the other blue-furred characters took to the streets (the Sesame Streets). Pretty soon furs of all colors were involved. Mr. Hooper’s store was looted. Oscar got himself a big screen TV…. He’s not so grouchy anymore. In fact, he got home to the trashcan in plenty of time to watch himself stealing it on the eleven o’clock news.
At the trial, the puppets all blamed their childhood. Turns out Snuffalupagus was adopted. He’s not related to George Stephanopolous, or any other Greek, which was commonly assumed; but actually, he is the illegitimate offspring of King Kong and Dumbo. And when the other Snuffalupagi found out about this, they wouldn’t let him join in their Snuffalupagi games.
Cookie Monster, the symbol of bulimic children of all ages, shocked everyone by admitting to purging off camera after his signature binges.
Big Bird claimed to be traumatized by his premature balding. He said he’d tried everything. He combed his feathers from the side up over the bald spot. He even tried that yellow spray paint in to make his feathers look more full. The other guys at the birdbath gave him endless hell. As a result, his confidence with the "chicks" plummeted.
Kermit was pissed because he had just been thrown out of the Navy. He had announced that he and Gonzo were lovers, so they kicked him out on his gay frog ass. (Yeah, I realize Gonzo is from the Muppets. It was a dream, so lay off.)
Why can’t all the different puppets just get along? Aren’t they all made from the same fabric? Some dream, huh? I have got to quit falling asleep while I’m watching PBS.
Email me your opinion: Tom@TomSimmons.net

BY TOM SIMMONS AND COSTAKI ECONOMPOULOS

Is There anything Funny About Winter?

I went into a store the other day and the guy behind the counter said, "It’s so cold out today it’s not even funny." What does that mean? By that logic if it is fifty degrees is that kinda funny? Weatherpeople don’t talk like that. "Today it should be marginally humorous with scattered hilarity, and continued wittiness into the evening. We expect and overnight low of knee slapping, sidesplitting,...tomfoolery. Tomorrow that cold front we’ve been expecting will arrive and we will be so cold, it won’t even be funny."
I frequently hear transplants from the North complaining how they miss the winters up there. I used to live in Wisconsin and I can tell you from experience that there is nothing about the winters there to miss. In fact, I hate the cold so much I refuse to eat York Peppermint Patties. I don’t want the cool sensation of freezing my butt off on some ski slope in the middle of a blizzard. I’m even afraid to open a Miller Genuine Draft lest winter suddenly engulf me. Open a beer-BAM!-Instant winter. How is that a selling point of beer anyway? If I’m stuck in an ice storm I don’t want an ice-cold beer...I want a thermos of hot chocolate and a coffee enema.
These same Yankees always whine, "I miss the contrast between the seasons." Here’s how I like to do it - live in the South, turn on the TV and say, "Look they are freezing in Buffalo, it must be winter!" I’m in shorts throwing the Frisbee. They are waist deep in snow putting chains on their tires. That’s enough contrast in seasons for me.
Another thing about these carpet-baggers that bugs me, when it does get cold down here and I am wearing a jacket, there always seem to be at least one idiot from the north walking around in a T-shirt telling me what a wimp I am for thinking it’s cold. "Man this isn’t cold. You ought to see up in Buffalo, we get three to four feet of snow a week. This isn’t cold." That’s when I throw a glass of water on him. "Oh man, you got me all wet!" I just smile and say, "You ain’t wet, wait until it starts raining here in the spring.... Then you’ll be wet."
You know, I just re-read this column and I think it’s good... So good, in fact, that it’s not even funny.

BY TOM SIMMONS AND COSTAKI ECCONOMOPOULOS

On Being Lazy

My editor was just telling me that I am too lazy. OK, so I’m lazy... or am I? Well, I do sleep till noon, but I usually don’t write until seven or eight at night. That means I get up at least seven hours before work. My editor starts work at eight a.m. and I’ll bet you that he doesn’t roll out of the bed until six-thirty or seven. Therefore, I have prepared seven times longer for my work day than him. He thinks I am the lazy one?
On second thought, maybe he is right. I woke up this afternoon (way after noon) and was pretty proud of myself because I’d gotten up late enough to skip all the time and effort of making breakfast. On my way to the mailbox I stepped over the newspaper, got the mail and picked up the paper on the return trip. Thus, the total time of carrying the paper was minimized... more time and energy conserved for later.
OK, so obviously he is right. I am lazy. I bought a treadmill that I never use. The most exercise I’ve gotten out of the damn thing was carrying it in the house. Those things are heavy, I was sore for a week. I don’t know why I bought it, I hate exercise. The most strenuous thing I’ve done in months is scoop some really cold Ice cream out of the box... I think I’m getting stronger though, last time I bent the spoon!
I’m just glad I live in a society where I can be lazy. If I had to hunt my own food like an animal, I would lose weight faster than Oprah did. I watched a show where a cheetah was chasing a gazelle in 120 degree desert heat at 70mph. I thought, "damn, that’s commitment. I’m to lazy to get off the couch and drive to Taco Bell. I think I’ll order a pizza and watch the rest of this show."
I never did find out if my cheetah friend caught his dinner, I dozed off at some point during the chase. Just watching him wore me out. During my nap I had a dream about Sesame Street. It’s the third time I’ve had that dream this week. I’m dreaming in reruns! My subconscious is screaming at me, "Get up! I’m out of stuff to show you! Go experience something new. Give me something to work with!" Maybe my subconscious is related to my editor. Ooop, gotta go, pizza man is here.

BY TOM SIMMONS AND COSTAKI ECONOMOPOULOS

FEAR THY NEIGHBOR

Another month begins with news of yet another suicide bombing in Israel. Every time you open a paper you read about more dead civilians. Israelis kill Arabs. Arabs kill Israelis. We help Israelis kill Arabs. It's childish, really. It's terrorist hokey pokey. The Arabs put their right foot in. The Israelis blow their right foot off. Then a bullet hits someone's spine and they start shaking all about. I wonder if it will ever end? I don't see how.
I don't experience it in my own life, so it's just me watching it or reading about it and shaking my head and wondering, "what's the matter with those people?" What's the matter with human beings? What is the solution? How can we teach love and togetherness and recognition? I bet if I got Charlton Heston to put a snub-nosed .38 in the mouth of the ignorant hate-mongers they'd listen to me talk about love, and respect, and togetherness, but that might kind of defeat the point, no?
How can we teach people that we are all pieces cut from the same fabric of humanity? How can I teach what Confucius, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, MLK, and Einstein were unable to teach? These people were almost as big as John Lennon, and they couldn't make things right. They tried to show us the way, and we didn't learn. Will it ever happen? I really don't see how. I don't see how we can rid the world of "evil doers." (Let's pray the solution doesn't have anything to do with grammar.) The problem persists. I wonder: How can I rid the world of evil, when I can't even conquer the evil within?
I want to change myself, and the planet I live on for the better. Yet in my daily life I don't feel myself, or the world changing. I'm constantly catching myself feeling superior to others. (And not just politicians who use phrases like "evil doers".) I get angry with people around me. I don't really, genuinely care about what they go through unless it directly affects my life and what I am reaching towards. I pray less and less. I meditate very infrequently. I connect only so often. I become frustrated. I wonder: Why do so many prayers go unanswered?
Why does coverage of the world focus on the negatives? The cover of the USA Today shouts at me about the worst in humans. "Bombing in Israel Kills Seven," "Russian Charged With Olympic Skating Fix," and a small blurb about the Pope in Mexico City. Why isn't the front page screaming about the good in the world? Couldn't they subtly encourage the rest of us to follow suit? Why are there no stories about the saintly among us? The one's who struggle daily to leave their corner of the world a better place than they found it? I flip the page, "Chicago Beating Deaths Investigated," "Manhunt for Serial Killer in Louisiana," "Young Adults Fear Nuclear War," and way down on the bottom, "Dog Rescues Man from Burning Building." The lesson these stories teach us are that humans are evil, that we are self- destructive. That we kill. And, that if you're ever in a fire, it's nice to have a Golden Retriever around. But mostly it's that we're evil.
Fear your neighbor. That is what is pounded into our head by our culture. Fear your neighbor. Over and over that is what we are taught. The Bible says to, "love thy neighbor." I carry a book of quotations with me wherever I go. Five of the quotations I took the time to write down stress the same thing as the golden rule: Love your neighbor. You are your neighbor. But our culture teaches us just the opposite continually. Fear your neighbor. Don't talk to strangers. Lock your car doors. Beware of dogs that aren't pulling you out of burning buildings. Fear your neighbor. Fear your neighbor and his glory-mongering dog.
As that negativity becomes a part of who we are, we slowly separate from one another. We become scared individuals rather than the social creatures we were born to be. We lock ourselves in our little abodes. We watch the world through a box. The box sends us images that encourage us to fear and to separate further. Unless you have Cinemax, in which case you can get some pretty descent soft-core pornography. Otherwise, it's mostly fear.
Your fear benefits the box. The more time you spend sitting in your home, afraid to move, to try to reconnect, the more money it generates for the few who control it. The goal is to keep you there. The thing is, it's an illusion. The vast majority of us should not be feared. (A list of people who should be feared will be provided upon request; it's not as long as you might think.) The more we separate, the more we fear. It is a self-perpetuating cycle. The more you separate from your neighbor, the less you understand him or her, the less you understand, the more you fear, the more you fear, the more you separate. You put your right foot in…they blow your right foot off.
The hate is all around us. This is the road it leads to: I read and watch that my neighbor hates me. The box tells me he is evil. That he thinks differently than I do, so I talk to him less. I care about him, not at all. I grow insecure. I disconnect from the world. I become as inhuman as the box.
The saddest part of this cycle is that we are our neighbors, but an illusion prevents us from seeing this. The illusion feeds the fear. I fear my neighbor. I wonder: If I fear my neighbor long enough, will I begin to fear myself? Somehow, I see others as selfish, ignorant, and totally wrapped up in their own lives. Caring minimally for the needs of those around them. Is that really everyone else? Or, is it really just the reflection of who I am? Sadly and honestly... I think it is.
When I drive to the store, I don't think about you or where you might need to be. You may be late for an important meeting, or trying to get to your daughters school play on time. I don't care. You are just the person in my way. You are just the one making it inconvenient for me to get to the restaurant quicker. You are the stupid redneck in a supped-up Trans Am. You are the stupid, inconsiderate, asshole who only cares about yourself. Now get off my ass so I can get where I'm trying to go. Wow, I think I just caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror... I am you.
Email me your opinion: Tom@TomSimmons.net

by Tom Simmons and Eric Shouse

Assault Rifles

So, the National Rifle Association is opposed to a ban on assault rifles. Ho-humm, what a surprise. I know the second amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. Sure, if you are trying to take a bear’s arms, you’ll probably need an assault rifle. (Ho-ho-he, homonyms can be fun for me). C’mon guys, how can you support the proliferation of assault weapons? Even you have to agree that a line must be drawn somewhere... ___________________________. Look, there’s one right there. A right to bear arms? OK, but machine guns, grenades, tanks, and nuclear arms? If you say we don’t have the right to our own personal nukes, then you have drawn a line.
Now I agree that most social ills are the result of problems within the family and not because of guns. But when dad comes home drunk and ma shoots him, doesn’t that create a family problem?

The N.R.A. is also opposed to registering their guns. They’re afraid that if the "commies" take over that there will be a handy list of gun owners to go hunt down and disarm in order to crush the resistance. First of all, there aren’t any "commies" left. And the ones that are left certainly can’t afford to bankroll a hostile takeover of America. Like Castro is going to get his boys together, load up on their innertubes, float up and attack Florida. We could pretty much fend them off with a sharp stick and a couple of b.b. guns. Second of all, if I’m the commie leader and I just took over this country of capitalist pigs, I wouldn’t need a list of registered gun owners. I would send my boys to the N.R.A. headquarters to get a master membership list from the files. Where else could I obtain a handier list of patriotic gun totting zealots?
Let’s recap. The N.R.A. is against an assault weapons ban, against registering guns, and even against restrictions on cop killer bullets. I’m surprised they are not against the de-clawing of pets. "Animals have the right to keep and bear claws." But these claws killed twenty mice. "Hey, claws don’t kill mice. Cats kill mice." What about these semi-automatic cop killer assault claws? "They need those for hunting."

These N.R.A. guys defend the second amendment ‘til the cows come home. But, they don’t seem to care much for the first amendment. For instance, they want to tell us we don’t have the right to buy a Hustler magazine. "Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Now pornography, that kills people." Man, they draw their lines in weird places.
Email me your opinion: Tom@TomSimmons.net

BY TOM SIMMONS AND COSTAKI ECONOMOPOULOS