LCS Audition

I auditioned for last comic standing. I am one of the first ones to sit. It didn't go well. I figured I would audition this year because I have so many well intentioned family members who even after many many years of me being in this game don't seem to understand what the business is like. (in there defense- neither do I, and I am the one in it.) Anyway, time after time people tell me, "Hey you know what would be good for you? You should get on that show Last Comic Standing- you're funnier then those comics.... Have you ever thought of that?"Wow- no I have never thought of that- what a great idea. I heard Letterman and Leno sometimes have comedians on too. I should really look into that . thanks for the advice.I have figured out how the Republicans can come back from the depths of no hope and win the Presidency.... George Bush should come out in support of the Democratic nominee.Who will ever forget where they were when they heard that Heath Ledger died? I know for sure that I will remember that for at least the next three days.Hey ladies- if your man has had to ASK for his last 10-15 blow jobs then beware that there is a sexual opening for another women.February is Black History Month. A month... isn't that a little excessive? I mean the Earth only gets a day.Black people are greedy. Shouldn't it also be called African American History month? Black is a little racist, and how do I know they are not talking about the color black and it's history? Black is the total absorption of all colors and the absence of light. Why don't some of the other colors get a month... oh sorry Pink gets October along with Breast Cancer.Black is associated with death and mourning... it is recognized to imply humility- (like Terrel Owens and Mohammad Ali) and secrecy.People who wear black generally look thinner, unless it is Lavelle Crawford- then he just looks like an alley when he stands in front of a white building.Priests wear black to signify submission to God.I used to black out a lot when I drank. Never is the history of things you did during a blackout positive stories that you missed. It is always something like- "really I pissed on that cops leg?" Never are people reminding you of positive things..."You don't remember what happened last night? wow, I have never seen you so drunk.. you were at the old folks home helping out for like three hours. I didn't even know you could play chess..... we had to talk you out of the joining the Peace Corp right before you passed out."I am just saying... to just say black history is not specific enough.On that note- It is kind of shitty to be white nowadays. Used to be white people had a few things that were exclusively for us... like the Presidency, NFL quarterback... now all we have left is country music, Nascar, hockey and the Republican party... I hate all of those. It sucks to be white.I can't wait for February to end. One because it is the coldest month- and two March 2nd is Dr. Seuss day. That guy was great! Way ahead of his time. Just read The Lorax and you will see what I mean. I have been reading my three year old son Owen Dr. Seuss books since he was born. That guy has done more for my little white boy then Dr King ever did.I like to plant little comedy bombs in my son to go off at unexpected times in life. He just turned three and in anticipation of the ridiculous questions older people ask I taught him this one for when people ask him, "so you are three? what are you going to be when you grow up."He cutely looks up and says, "Axe murderer."Hilarious. to me and Serena. to the rest of the family not so much. But think about it. Axe murderer is retro. no one is doing that anymore. You have to really be committed to be an axe murderer. that is Lizzy Borden shit. --I want to be more fully aware at all times so I got myself a seeing eye dog for my blind spot. It just hangs out perched on my optic nerve.-Diamonds are a girls best friend. Unless she is surrounded by desperate crack heads... then it is just the sparkling beacon of her blood curdling death.a diamond can't be a girls best friend, female relationships only last a year or two max- the materialistic mentality of a gold digger lasts a lifetime.Man's best friend is a dog. you know why? Cuz it doesn't ask us for diamonds.--Money can't buy you love.... but sometimes you just want a blow job from a hooker.... then it works great!-Don't cry over spilled milk. Unless it is all you have left to keep your baby alive.--I have a rabbits foot for good luck, and a pet three-legged bunny that can't hop.--I wish that I hadn't let myself get talked out of what I wanted to do for the LCS audition. I wanted to just do the how republicans can win the presidency joke and then a quick line about how I love that Obama is bringing the half hug to presidential politics and then this joke.The thing I hate most about the election is this. The negative campaign ads. First of all Political advertising is the only form of advertising that is not beholden to the truth in advertising laws- and they take advantage of it.... running nothing but negative ads against the opponents. Hey, you are applying for the job of leader of the free world... tell me what you are going to do, don't just talk shit about the other candidates. I can't do that at my job..."Hey Tom, what makes you the most qualified to be on Last comic Standing?""well I don't want to go into that right now, but Pat Dixon in the lobby picks his nose... Ted Alexandro gets drunk between shows and slurs his jokes, he went over 40 percent of the time at his last gig... and Gaffigan didn't wash his hands before he came out of the bathroom... so if you want one of those guys to represent NBC then go right ahead...."That would have at least been fun to do instead of freezing up and not being able to remember jokes I tell every single night... It really went as bad as it could have gone... two judges staring at me and not laughing at jokes I know for sure are funny... I lost my composure.Thank god the blooper real will be filled with the crazies who don't understand stand up at all.... thank god for the guy in the chicken suit.